


A Nurse's Ironic Aversion to Hospital Rooms

by PennamePersona



Series: Clinic AU [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Angst, But hey guess what, Clinic AU, Fluff, Humanstuck, I bet you'll all be surprised to learn, Introspection, It won't be all fluff but it won't be all angst either, It's time for some backstory, John gets hurt, M/M, Some of it I mean, Wow amazing who possibly could have seen that coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-14 20:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3424382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yes, Karkat is a nurse. Yes, he is happy being a nurse. No, that does not mean he's great in hospitals. He works in the clinic off the hospital, not in the hospital, and yeah, he doesn't have the best experiences in hospitals.</p><p>But let's not think about that right now. (Too late).</p><p>This is the second time Karkat has been in a hospital, with someone he cares about unconscious on a hospital bed. He wasn't happy with it happening once, honestly. Twice seems excessive.</p><p>Oh well. Something good can still come out of this experience, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Setting the Scene

**Author's Note:**

> Woo, fourth installment of the Clinic AU! This is a nice verse, I like it. I have some backstory figured out in my head, and this fic will be the first one in which it comes out explicitly (that part will be in the second chapter). This fic will be three parts, and I will update it again on Wednesday with chapter two (backstory) and then on Friday with chapter three (back to original time). Currently, I have chapter two done, but not yet edited, and I've started on chapter three, though it's still a bit rough. It shouldn't be a problem to have all of this wrapped up by Friday, though!
> 
> Consider this fic to be dedicated to my friend (who knows who she is) who may or may not still be sick, but who nonetheless has made it very clear how much she enjoys this verse. If you are still sick, you have my sympathy, but I hope that this makes your day at least a little bit better!

It's been a long time since you've been this scared. You have only felt this half-blind terror once before, and you are not enjoying feeling it again.

You are running, still in your scrubs from your shift at the clinic (which just ended, thankfully, at least there's one small blessing among all of this because you know that you would have run out regardless, and you actually sort of like this job), your blood icy in your veins. 

You are glad that you had a shift today at all, since the clinic is an extension of the larger hospital, so at least you were close when you got that text. You hate this fear, you are hoping so desperately that nothing is too wrong, you don't know what you would do if -

Okay, no, bad thoughts, bad thoughts. Don't think about it, just run, just pull out your phone, actually, that's a good idea. You press your speed-dial 1 and add "please let Kanaya and Rose not be fucking right now, please let them be doing something I can interrupt, please please please" to your pile of desperate hopes.

Kanaya picks up on the third ring, and you feel like you could cry from relief. Crying wouldn't be very helpful right now, though, so you just attempt to communicate what's going on while still running oh hey wait there's the elevator, you can stop running now and just focus on how fucking _slowly_  this thing is descending. 

"At the hospital please come now," You babble out, and wow, ouch, you really do not need those memories resurfacing right now.

"Which floor?" Kanaya asks, and the fear is briefly distracted by relief. 

"Fourth floor, room thirteen." You say, voice audibly shaken. "I don't know if I'll be in the room or the waiting area. Dave's already up there."

"Do you need me to stay on the line?" She asks, and you can hear a voice that has to be Rose's in the background. You really, really hope you didn't interrupt sex or making out or anything like that. Please please please let them have been talking and drinking tea, oh please oh please oh please.

"No, I think I'll be fine." The elevator finally gets down to the first floor, and wow, someone must be looking out for you, there's only three people, looks like a visiting family, all healthy and out of your way in a blessedly short amount of time. You dash onto the elevator and slam the "4" button. 

"Alright. I'm going to hang up now." She says, her voice even and calm and exactly what you need right now. "I will be there as shortly as I can manage."

"Thank you." You breathe, every part of you on edge, fingers tapping relentlessly against your leg.

"Of course, Karkat." She says, putting emotion into the 'of course', but still sounding steady. She hangs up, and you shove your phone back into your pocket. 

Fucking hell, you are not equipped to deal with this. You weren't equipped to deal with this last time, but at least you know _this_  wasn't on purpose, and you aren't weighed down with guilt on top of everything else.

The doors slide open, and you speed-walk down the hallway, through the double doors, and _oh thank any and all of the good things remaining in this universe, Dave's standing at the desk._

"Dave," You say, and wow, you expected to sound a lot more broken than that. He whips his head towards you, his expression worried, shades perched atop his head instead of in front of his eyes.

"Unconscious but not gonna die is all they'll tell me." He says, and you don't know Dave that well, you've only spoken with him a few times at the clinic when he's been with John, and there was one time that John and Kanaya both dragged you to some outing and Dave was present, and you did talk there, but the point that you are trying to make with your addled brain is that you don't know Dave that well, but you know that he is unsettled, more worried than he wants to let on. You could have gathered that from the position of his shades alone. "I called Jade, she'll be here soon, they'll tell her more because she's family."

You nod. You aren't sure if you are actually processing any of this, honestly, you just know that you're running on adrenaline and your blood hasn't stopped being ice since you picked up your phone and read "john in hospital room 413 get up here". 

You want to ask what happened, how he got hurt, where he's hurt, how long Dave's been here, how the two of them even got here, but you can't bring yourself to. The nurse on duty is saying something, but you aren't listening. Dave must have been, since he starts moving towards the waiting area, grabbing your arm to drag you along when you don't move on your own.

You both sit, neither of you relaxing back into the chairs. You are perched on the edges of your seats, tense as fuck and worrying so much you'll probably both spontaneously develop high blood pressure (less spontaneously in your case, it's probably been coming anyway).

There's a bang that causes both of your heads to shoot up. John's sister has just pushed her way through the doors, and even from over here, you can see the fire in her green eyes. She looks sharp and serious, despite the worry creasing her brow.

"What's going on with my brother?" Jade demands, not excessively harshly. She looks between the nurse behind the desk and Dave. Dave shakes his head.

"He fell off the roof again, his head was bleeding, I called 911, jumped in the ambulance, and rode with him here. They said he'd be okay and took him out of emergency care, and they moved him up here. All they'll tell me is that he's unconscious, but he won't be kicking the bucket." He says, voice impressively even. 

You are torn between asking why the _fuck_ he was on the roof _again_ , and asking if they tried throwing Dave out of the ambulance, and how hard he had to fight to stay in there. Jade decides for you.

"What the _fuck_ was he doing on the roof _again_?" She asks, looking to Dave like he is the one here who understands Egbert and his moronic choices. You suppose you could be wrong, but you are nearly certain that no one understands John's moronic choices, not even him.

"Some kids were playing with a ball, kicked it too high, and got it stuck on his Dad's roof." Dave says, and yeah, you don't know Dave that well, but you can recognize the air of exasperation. "Naturally John had to go on and play hero and savior, so he grabs a ladder, climbs up onto the roof, slips on a loose shingle, and bam. Egbert skull is very rudely introduced to the hard, unforgiving driveway."

"Idiot," You and Jade both breathe, and Dave nods. 

"I'll talk to the nurse," Jade says, waving her hand at you and Dave. "You two go and sit back down."

You are not in the mood for arguing. You are sure that Jade will tell both of you anything she finds out, anyway. 

"How hard did you have to fight to stay in that ambulance?" You ask Dave once you are both sitting again. 

"Not as hard as I thought I'd have to." He says. "Apparently I am a very assertive person."

You give one soft, dry chuckle. You can imagine Dave giving the EMTs a deadly serious look, shades shoved up into his hair, reddish eyes disconcerting even without the gravity of the situation. With his shades on, even, you are sure he could convince the EMTs to stop objecting with just a look. 

You hear the doors opening again, and when you look up, you can barely contain your relief. You and Dave go to meet Kanaya and Rose, and you are grabbed into an embrace before you have any semblance of choice in the matter. You hear Rose asking after John, Jade saying that the nurse said the doctor should be out in a while and to wait until then. 

Kanaya pulls back and looks you up and down. Her shoulders relax once she realizes that you are holding it together fairly well, all things considered, and she releases you entirely, though she still stays close.

The five of you go to the waiting area, sit down, and sigh collectively. Jade taps Dave's shades. 

"Isn't the light hurting your eyes?" She asks. Dave looks at her tiredly. 

"Probably. I haven't been paying much attention. More focused on bargaining with the universe for my best bro to come out of this okay. No really universe, I know he's an idiot, but he was trying to be a hero for some kids, isn't that good karma enough to let him live? Yeah, yeah, but sometimes his stupidity is endearing, so it's okay. Alright, I'll let you think about it, thank you for your consideration." He pantomimes the faux conversation, talking with his hand. Jade chuckles before pushing his shades back down over his eyes.

"I'm sure he'll appreciate you petitioning the universe for him." She says, smiling. Her smile coaxes a small one out of Dave, which you are briefly surprised by. 

"He better be. The universe was not happy about me interrupting previously scheduled appointments." He says, leaning back so that his shoulder touches hers. "Wow, it's way easier to see now. And would you look at that, I did have a headache. You're brilliant babe, what would I do without you?"

"I don't think any of us wants to dwell on the answer to that." Rose says. You smirk slightly, which you would not have guessed was possible. It is easier to focus on the banter between John's friends (your friends?) than on the fact that you are once again sitting in a hospital with someone you care about lying unconscious on a hospital bed okay no stop that train of thought right there before you wound some innocent orphans in the sure to be horrifying wreck.

Besides, this is completely different. You know why John is in here. You know why John is in here, and you know it couldn't possibly be your fault. It wasn't your fault last time, either, you know that now, it was - 

Weren't you going to stop thinking about that? Yeah, you were. So much for that, huh?

You feel a hand on your arm, and you know it's Kanaya. You know it's Kanaya, and you know that she knows what you're thinking about. You know that she is asking-without-asking if you need to leave, talk about it, be reassured that this really is different.

You shake your head very slightly, and she removes her hand.

You sit in silence with Kanaya's steady presence at your side, listening to Dave and Jade and Rose, waiting for the doctor to come out, and trying not to remember anything at all.


	2. Chapter 2 - Backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to get this up earlier today, I really did, but things happened and whoops, here we are. Sorry!  
> If there are any mistakes, I am very sorry, but I will probably have to fix anything you guys point out on Friday, since I'm updating on mobile right now!
> 
> Okay, so, anyway: First formal section of Karkat's backstory is...
> 
> Now.

You stare down at your phone in a sort of shock. Half of you feels numb, unsurprised, refusing to be affected by any more of this. The other half of you is terrified, more scared than you've ever been.

You don't trust yourself to drive to the hospital, not while you're like this. You don't live too far away, though, so before you know it, you're already running down the stairs. When did you decide to start running? That was kind of an awful decision, you aren't going to feel like walking when you leave the hospital tonight. Or are you not going to leave? Are you going to live at the hospital now, at his bedside, torn between hoping desperately that he wakes up and wretchedly, guiltily wishing that he won't, that you won't have to worry about him anymore, that you can finally be done with this?

When did you become such a terrible friend? When did you get so tired?

You can see the hospital, now, and you don't know how you feel about that, either. Your legs are burning, you're short of breath, but all you can think is, Is he dead? Did he finally go too far?

You aren't fucking equipped to deal with this shit. You're just one person, stretched too thin.

You get into the hospital, smash the button for the elevator, and resist the urge to yank your hair out by the roots. This isn't fucking fair, you can't take this anymore, you are just so fucking done with this shit!

You're on the verge of breaking down already, which you can't stand. You've been doing pretty well recently, too, so this just feels like a slap to the face. You hope desperately that there's no one on the elevator so you can take a few moments to breathe, especially since seeing him lying there is going to feel more like a few hard punches to the gut instead of just a slap to the face.

The elevator arrives, finally, with no one on it. You are almost relieved, before you realize that there is a handful of people getting on with you, and you have to hold back against the urge to scream. Fucking hell, isn't it enough that your - your. Your friend? Is he even your friend anymore?

Oh, fuck, you need to stop thinking about this right now before you flip your precariously balanced shit all over these relatively innocent people. That would just be unpleasant. There's a kid on this elevator, too, wouldn't want to scar the poor thing for life!

Yeah, you aren't going to be able to do this alone. The elevator gets to your floor (his floor), and you get off, already scrolling through your contacts. You'll take a moment to call before going through the double doors leading to him, to him lying there, silent in that bed, unconscious, fuck, why didn't you check in with him? Why didn't you -

"Karkat?" Kanaya picks up the phone before the third ring, sounding concerned.

"I'm - " You have to speak past a lump in your throat, so you sound choked. "At the hospital, please come now."

"What, are you hurt, what happened?" Her questions all come out in a rush. You sit in one of the chairs in front of elevator, shaking your head even though you know she can't see you.

"I'm not." Your voice sounds incredibly dry. You aren't sure how much more you can say without. Well. Crying or some stupid shit like that. You really don't feel like crying while talking to Kanaya, on top of everything else. "He. I mean, overdose, someone called an ambulance, and then the hospital called me, I."

"...which floor is he on?" She asks after a short pause. Whoa, hold on relief, step back for a minute, you are still not ready to break down, alright?

"Third." You say. "I'm in the waiting area just outside the elevator."

"Alright," She says, and you can hear the click of her door. "I'll be there as soon as I can. Do you want me to stay on the line?"

"Yes." You rasp. "Please."

"Okay." She says, her voice calmer than yours, but still a bit nervous, a bit worried.

"I'm sorry about this, Kanaya," You say. "I know it isn't really your problem, but I don't know if I can do this by myself, see that stupid fucking idiot lying unconscious on a hospital bed on my own - "

"Oh hush, Karkat." She interrupts what was sure to be a lovely visit to breakdownonthephoneville, and oddly enough, it's the part of her tone that sounds dismissive that comforts you the most. "It's not a problem, of course I'll be there to help you."

Wow, ow, that really hurts something near the center of your chest. You don't want to think about why, though, not right now. Not with him on a hospital bed and -

Anyway, how about you turn your useless mind to conceivably any other possible topic? Yeah, great plan, best you've had all week! All month probably, maybe even all year.

"So, what did I interrupt?" You ask, sitting back in the chair, still shaking, but less than you were before.

 

* * *

 

You are standing in the hospital room. After Kanaya showed up and you finally got your miserable self into the section of the floor where his room was, it wasn't long before a nurse allowed you in to see him.

You are ashamed of it, but you wish that they just hadn't let you in. Seeing him like this is so wrong, but lately, seeing him at all has seemed wrong.

Kanaya stayed outside the room. She knew that you'd need time alone without you even having to ask for it; there was a time when he might have known that, too, but that. That was a while ago. That was a different time, before things got worse, and you fucking failed at keeping him together. You can't keep yourself together, much less someone else! You're just useless, completely useless, what's even the point of you, can't be anything good, are you just here to fuck things up over and over and over and over and over

His heart monitor blips. You sob with your head on his bed. He is still unconscious.

It is the closest you will ever come to what things used to be like.

* * *

 

You cry to (and on) Kanaya in a hallway, after you come out of the room. He doesn't wake up before you leave, but he is awake the next time you come back. The nurse says that he isn't doing extremely well, that it may be best not to go in.

You don't. You feel like an utter coward. Kanaya assures you that you are not.

You think that maybe he would have done that, once. You wonder how long it's been that you've been stuck like this with him. You think that it really isn't healthy. You ask Kanaya while you stand outside of his door.

She says it isn't.

 

* * *

 

In the end, it's his doctor who suggests a formal parting between the two of you. Not his medical doctor, either. No, it's the poor guy attempting to treat his broken mind that says the relationship is (was is was is was is) hurting both of you.

You talk one last time with him. You are tired, and you think that he is, too. He isn't who he used to be. You tell him that you cared about him, you really did, and for a while, you really were good friends. It had been nice. Good. Important. But something had gone wrong, and maybe it wasn't really either one of you at fault (that had been hard to say, even though you didn't know if you wanted to blame yourself or him), but his doctor was right. It wasn't good for you.

He nods. You didn't really expect him to talk. He didn't need to, though, for you to understand what he was feeling. You still knew him, after all.

"Goodbye Karkat." He says, once you are done. Karkat, he calls you. He only calls you Karkat when he's being very, very serious. He is rarely serious.

You have to choke your farewell out over a lump in your throat that threatens to become tears at any instant.

"Goodbye, Gamzee."

* * *

 

You are twenty years old. You are going to become a nurse. You have plans for your future, and even though it's been hard, you think that maybe, you really can accomplish them. You have problems trusting people. You have an abrasive surface, but underneath that, you are completely raw and open.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have just lost the man who was your best friend in the world.

What will you do now?


	3. Chapter 3 - Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, also meant to get this up earlier, but I had to edit it and all that, which I hopefully did a reasonable job of! If you see any mistakes, feel more than free to point them out. I had to push myself to finish this, so the whole multi-chapter thing probably won't be a Thing. One-shots posted at seemingly random times works much better as an update schedule for me. Speaking of, I do have a couple of rough ideas for one-shots (one of which is more Karkat backstory), so there is that chance for more of this verse in the future! I would like to write more of it, but I don't want to make any promises or guarantees. 
> 
> My tumblr is pennamepersona. I wholeheartedly encourage you to ask me if you have any questions or comments, whether it be here in a comment, or there in an ask/submit. I do enjoy this verse a lot, and I have ideas for it that I would be *more than happy* to discuss.

Jade began pacing a few minutes ago. You can tell that she's thinking, but you aren't entirely sure what about. The doctor came out about ten minutes ago and informed all of you that John had a basal skull fracture. You had forgotten how to breathe for a moment, when he'd said that, unable to believe that John had actually gotten that lucky. All he will need is some pain medication and bandages around his head, in the places that the skin had been broken, which, ironically enough, had not been because of the impact. The blood had been because of the pieces of gravel that had been on the driveway. He will be released within a few hours, though none of you are to go in just yet. Once John's father arrives, you will all file into his room and inform him of how incredibly and astoundingly moronic he is, though you will probably have to leave some of his idiocy out, or risk staying in the hospital room overnight.

 Dave grabs Jade's sleeve the next time her circuit comes near him, and tugs it once, silently asking her to sit down again. She sighs, flopping down on Dave. Literally, she releases her entire body weight onto him with no warning, and it knocks the breath out of him. You stifle a laugh, not only at Jade's antics, but at the straight face Dave has throughout it all, as though he is utterly unsurprised, and this has happened dozens of times before.

"Dave, you are so bony! You are no good at being a butt pillow." Jade says, turning to face him and shaking her head.

"Well, there go all my hopes and dreams," Dave deadpans. "Thanks, Jade. I had such high aspirations. I was going to be a butt pillow for kings. I'll have to turn to drugs and prostitution to fill up the emptiness inside of me."

 Jade opens her mouth and you are silently praying that she does not say that she will fill him up because you kind of like Jade and you kind of like Dave and you kind of really do not like that mental picture. The idea of it kind of makes you want to dunk your head in bleach in hopes that you will forget it before you are poisoned. 

 Instead, she yells: "Dad!" and you all look over to the double doors.

 You haven't formally met John's father yet (though you were due to next week, at John's birthday celebration), and you really can't say that you planned to meet him quite like this. The feelings that you pushed down come back up in a wave of nausea, mixing unpleasantly with the anxiety of being in close proximity to the man who brought up your boyfriend (the man whose opinion your boyfriend holds in the highest esteem, the man who might not approve of you for a variety of reasons, the man who could be the difference between your happiness and okay no stop Karkat you're being ridiculously dramatic this is not the time, the time was supposed to be next week, when you were more prepared, but hey, here you are!).

Jade runs to her father, with Dave right behind her. Rose follows after another moment, leaving you and Kanaya behind, as the only members of the party with no previous connection to the man. Kanaya glances at you, studying your mood. You aren't sure exactly what she sees (aren't sure exactly what you're feeling right now), but the pity and tenderness in her eyes is unmistakable. 

She doesn't need to verbally ask if you're alright, which is good because you aren't sure if you can speak aloud right now. She just puts one hand on yours, squeezes, then stands up. You follow her over to the rest of the group, where it seems that Jade has just finished filling her father in on what happened. He shakes his head, looking worried but still more than a bit exasperated.

"When will that boy learn to be careful with himself?" He asks, and you get the feeling that he's been asking that question for a couple of decades now, and never gotten a satisfactory answer. 

John's dad talks to the nurse, who leads him to the door of John's room. She suggests that not all of you go in, since it may overwhelm him. You are almost certain that you are not the only member of the group holding back a sarcastic comment about that, not with both Dave and Rose around.

You and Kanaya both stay outside the room, despite Jade's questioning/reassuring look that says quite plainly that no one in the group thinks you have no right to be in that room right now. No one except for you.

Besides, if you walk in there, you're going to cry, and there are very few people that you're comfortable looking like a pansy in front of. Kanaya is one, your uncle is another, and that's just about the end of the list. You aren't even really comfortable about the idea of crying in front of John, but you can accept that it's just going to happen. May as well learn to deal with it.

Kanaya raises an eyebrow at you.

"Why are we standing out here?" She asks. 

"It's. It's his family and close friends." You say, gesturing to the door. "I don't want to interrupt that. It's his _dad_ , I mean, I know he's alright, I probably know that better than them! I can wait."

"Karkat." Kanaya fixes you with an exasperated, knowing look. "You are his boyfriend."

"Kanaya." You say, giving her a sarcastic look that might be a bit more rude than you originally intended. "I am aware of that."

"Romantic partners do typically fall into the same general level of importance as family and close friends." She says. She's doing that thing where she needles you into positive actions, you know she is, and you know being irritated does nothing good. Oddly enough, that hasn't stopped you yet.

"Yeah, Kanaya, I know, but - " You stop when the door to John's room opens again. His father looks out.

"Aren't the two of you going to come in?" He asks, kindly. You freeze up for a moment, but Kanaya steps in.

"I think that I will stay out here." She says. "But Karkat will certainly come in."

You can't even be mad at her for this. It wouldn't be logical at all, and it gets you closer to John, so you're kind of out of things to be upset about there.

"Yeah," You say, voice a bit dry. John's dad holds the door open for you, every bit as polite as you've been led to believe he is. It's like the complete opposite of you. You're totally going to fuck this up. You're going to fuck up _so badly_.

"We were going to formally meet next week, at John's birthday, weren't we?" He asks. You nod, and he smiles slightly. "Perhaps we can wait until then to do introductions, then. You look shaken up enough as it is."

"Thank you, sir." You say, grateful and relieved. He nods, then clears his throat.

"Jade, Dave, Rose," He addresses the whole room, which you didn't really turn and see because of talking to him. Your eyes catch on John immediately, a splash of black and bright, beautiful blue in contrast to the plain, white, sterile surroundings. "Perhaps we should allow these two some privacy."

You barely manage to turn back and catch the smile John's father gives you.

"Hey," John says, smiling. You think you see some other emotions caught in that smile, not just that fuzzy-warm-floaty happiness that still gets to you every time. There's a touch of nervousness, of worry, and you're wondering why for a second, but then your emotions catch up to you.

You've been avoiding them, so you're surprised for a moment when the mix of fear-worry-relief-hurt turns to anger.

"You imbecilic, shitlicking douchewaffle!" You half-yell, collecting yourself only enough to prevent full-scale rage. "What the fuck, John? What the everloving fuck?! Do you even think things through, or do you just go about life assuming that you're never going to get hurt, even if you do stupid, shitty things?! I would think that all of the ever-growing evidence to the contrary would eventually seep in, but apparently, you're too thick-headed for that! Fucking hell, do you ever think about your family? Your friends? All of the people who fucking care about you and don't want to see you _dead_? I might not be half as important to you as they are, and I don't expect to be, but I don't really feel like hearing that my boyfriend bled out because he thought he was invincible! Did you see the look on your sister's face at all? Because unless she's gotten fucking fantastic at hiding her worry in your presence, you might have noticed that she's holding back tears! I noticed, and I hardly know her! For fuck's sake, even Dave lost his cool! He was wearing his shades on his head when I came in, didn't even realize he had a headache until Jade asked about it. He's albino, John! You told me he's been wearing those shades for years to see better! _He forgot about them, John!_  He fucking forgot, which I think is understandable, since he had to ride in an ambulance with you, only knowing that you feel off the fucking roof, _again_ , and started bleeding all over the damn driveway! Do you even realize how inconsiderate you're being to all the people who care about you? You have to stop this, you can't keep getting hurt and act like it's no big deal!"

You finally run out of steam (or at least realize that yelling more isn't going to do anything good), and only vaguely feel that you may have been out of line. You do hope that no one heard your yelling (they probably did), but you don't really regret saying any of it. 

Well, for now. You'll probably regret it tonight. Good thing Kanaya went shopping yesterday, you are definitely going to need that ice cream. Sweet, semi-solid cream, in a container that's perfect for crying into, whether it be because of breakups, stress, or romcoms.

"...I know." John says, after pausing for a short moment. He was quiet throughout all of your rant, face serious and impassive. He isn't usually very serious at all, so you'll admit that you're a bit thrown off. "I know, Karkat, I noticed when they came in. I've known them for years, of course I know they're worried about me, I."

His eyes look glassy, and he stops for a moment, breathing deeply. He closes his eyes, breathes out, and when he opens them again, there is determination in the striking blue. He begins to sit up, swinging one leg over to try and stand.

"What the hell are you doing?" You ask, anger (mostly) gone from your voice, replaced by confusion. He stops, looks at you, and...you really don't know how to categorize his expression. He's serious, still, but there's something else there, a sort of earnestness, maybe?

"Would it hurt me if I got up to hug you?" He asks, no trace of mockery, sincere down to the core. You're speechless for a moment, but you shake your head.

"No, it's only a basal fracture. You'll be able to leave the hospital soon, anyway, standing up isn't going to do anything bad," You say, and he continues standing up, then hugs you _really fucking hard_. 

"Uhm," Your hands flutter a bit. "John. I kind of need to breathe."

He loosens his grip, but only just enough for you to relax into the embrace. His hand is in your hair, and he's holding you to him.

"You're right, Karkat, I know you're right." He says quietly, voice barely above a whisper. "I'm an idiot, I'm not invincible, and I couldn't stand seeing everyone like that. I knew they were all worried, I know I can't really make it up to them for all the times they've had to worry about me, but I can try. And I'll have the best nurse ever to help me, right?"

He pulls back, half-smiling at you. He's really trying, you think. You did not expect this to go the way that it's going. You are kind of disoriented by all of this, but you aren't really complaining.

"I better not see you in that clinic ever again, douchefuck." You say, serious, but calm. Calm for you, anyway. In comparison to earlier, you're totally calm. Mellow as fuck.

Not that any of your comparative mellowness seems to be sinking into John, since he stiffens and gets a half-panicked look in his eyes.

"Because I shouldn't get hurt again, or because you don't want to see me again?" He asks, and if his head wasn't bandaged from one cause of trauma already, you would smack him.

"Because you shouldn't get hurt, moron, what the fuck! Of course I want to see you, are you really that stupid?" You say, flicking him on the nose.

"Well, I was just making sure! I know I can be hard to deal with, and you seem really off." He says, not half as defensive as you'd expect, concern seeping into his voice instead of offended, higher pitched tones. 

"Oh, yeah, that. That's not all because of this. I don't have the best experiences in hospitals." You explain. "Don't blow stuff out of proportion, though, douchebag. Didn't I just say that I cared about you?"

"I know, and hey, speaking of that!" John gives you a prod on the ribs. "What was all that about you not being important to me? What the hell, dude, am I that bad at showing affection?"

He's playing casual, but there's still worry right under the surface. Alright, no, this is not going how you expected, not at all. 

"No, John, you're fine," You say, hoping that the heat you feel creeping onto your face isn't showing. "But they're your family, or practically your family, of course you'd care more about them. I'm not trying to be an asshole, it was just supposed to be recognition of a basic fact." 

Alright, Karkat, shut up, shut up, stop, you're going to start rambling, and then it'll just get worse.

"It's a different kind of love, you dork." John says, eyes softening. He touches his nose to yours, which normally you would find disgustingly sweet, but right now the world "love" is replaying in your thoughts.

"I . . . okay," You say, looking at him, insides feeling like putty. "I. I love you too, moron." 

"I'm sorry for making you worry," He murmurs. The whole experience is proving to be too much for you, and you are holding back tears when he moves to briefly brush against your lips. "I will try to be more careful."

"Fucking hell, you absolute assmuffin," You choke out, a few tears escaping. This whole day has been ridiculous, you are so done, that ice cream is being eaten tonight, no doubt about it.

"Wait, Karkat, are you crying? Are you okay?" John asks, sounding worried. You fight back the urge to laugh, fight back again the hurt in your chest. 

"I'm fine, dipshit," You say, playing with his hair for a moment, before gripping it and holding his face to yours. "Now shut up for a minute, and put your mouth on mine again."

He manages to do both of these things for a while longer than a minute, which is good. Excellent. Fantastic. Glorious. His mouth being on yours is totally the best thing. There is no better thing. There is no other thing, nothing at all, just him close to you.

Just him, close to you, remorseful for the hurt he's caused, promising to do better, showing you that he cares. Telling you outright that he cares, taking care of the soft, vulnerable parts of you, even if he isn't aware that he's doing it. And all of this, he's doing in a stupid hospital room, not lying unconscious on the bed, but standing with you and holding you close.

Endings scare you. You've had bad endings before, and everytime you start something, you are waiting, somewhere in your mind, for the inevitable, messy ending, for the hurt and the pain and the regret. It is rare that you feel comfortable in something, in some _one_ , rare that you open yourself up and trust.

Right now, though, endings don't matter. Nothing matters right now except for the warmth in your arms and the pressure on your lips. And when those two things stop happening, when the ending does come, you will still have had this, and maybe. 

Maybe that makes the ending alright, this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always utterly appreciated, they give me drive to write more and make me feel like I'm doing something that's worth continuing. I don't say that to pressure you, more to inform you.
> 
> I hope that you liked this one! I got to do a few things that I really enjoyed, like parallels, those were fun! And the ending to the second chapter, oh yes, I liked that. Again, I hope that you also enjoyed this story, as well as the other parts of this verse! 
> 
> Again, my tumblr is pennamepersona, the comment button is on this page, and if you have any desire to talk about this verse, I am so very okay with that! So very, very okay.

**Author's Note:**

> As previously said, the next chapter will have the backstory, and then the third will be back to the original time. Update for chapter two will be on Wednesday, chapter three on Friday. I currently see no reason why there should be an issue with posting on time, but if there is, I will try to have everything up this weekend!
> 
> [Buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/A375K8Q)


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